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Dundalk
AKA: More Racist Louth Scum, DundalKKK scum,
Where: Oriel Park.
Personalities: None. It's a form of birth control.
History
Warning – may not be factually accurate. In fact, probably is nothing like the actual history of Dundalk. If you ever have the misfortune of reading a real history of Dundalk, you'll know why.
Dundalk was founded by a group of time-travelling Guns ’N Roses fans, who were bored one Saturday afternoon, got drunk and broke into a physics lab in Cornwall. STIG remains unconvinced by this story, as much because Cornwall seems an unlikely site for a physics lab as for any other reason. However, the alternative explanation, that the club’s name, GNR, stood for Great Northern Railway, seems even more implausible as there’s nothing great about Dundalk.
Anyway, as with so many other things, GNR was rudely interrupted by the advent of the Great War, another misnomer, which also wasn’t great. Many people were in fact of the opinion that it really, truly sucked, sufficiently so to write some vitriolic poetry about it, and something has to be really quite unpleasant to get poets riled about it.
GNR reformed in 1919, possibly missing few players, but clearly in decent shape, as they played in two district leagues at the same time. As Dundalk probably can’t simultaneously be in both Dundalk and Newry at the same time (the name gives it away really), STIG considers this sneaking across the border to be the predecessor to much cheating to follow.
In 1922, they moved to the Leinster Senior League, presumably while still playing in Ulster. However, rumours that they won the Connaught league and the Munster Catholic river-widening league that season too may be unreliable. In order to combat the increasing uncertainty as to where Dundalk was, the club renamed itself Dundalk FC in 1926. Future references to Dundalk were therefore thrown into confusion, as people weren’t sure whether they meant the town or the club. Efforts to clear this up by turning the town into an uninhabitable hole were only partially successful.
The club controversially joined the Free State League, in spite of strong opposition from their own fans, who are genetically predisposed to hate anything not from Dundalk. Why they were elected remains a mystery. Some say that the experience of electing Athlone to the league a few years previously had caused the league officials to give up all hope of keeping the league free of non-Dublin teams. Others argue that persistent rumours that black-clad men called to the doors of said officials in the middle of the night have more to do with it. STIG isn’t so sure about the latter theory, as UFO sightings in Dundalk were rather low, even before everyone in Louth went blind from the radiation.
Like Bohs and Rovers, all attempts to shift them since have failed miserably. They’ve been in the league consistently since 1926. STIG suspects the FAI are to blame, so expect an apology from the eircom League any day now. Worse still, they haven’t merely survived, but flourished. They’ve won the league nine times and the cup nine times. We curse their racist Louth hides ninety times nine times.
In those nearly eighty years, Oriel Park has seen visits from teams of the calibre of Ajax, Nottingham Forest, Liverpool, Spurs, PSV Eindhoven, Ajax, and Porto. Dundalk’s most successful spell came in the 1970s, when the club went five seasons undefeated at home in European competition, including games against Porto, PSV Eindhoven, Spurs and Celtic. They’ve had over one hundred players win caps for Irish international teams or league representative teams. STIG doesn’t have the breakdown, but suspects that most of that hundred were for the latter.
Recent seasons have seen Dundalk install a pitch made entirely of rubber into Oriel Park. Many people have questioned the sanity of this move, as its cost rather a lot of money. In a bid to uncover exactly how much rather a lot means, STIG asked a Dundalk official. When he got evasive, we suggested he just give us an idea of what it would buy (other than an artificial pitch). “It would probably buy you, roughly... er... Sligo,’ he suggested. We suspect he might be a bit soft in the head. The new pitch saw its first game not so long ago. The most memorable moment was of a shot going narrowly wide, striking the ground, and taking wicked deflection into Yorkshire.
Perhaps this latest incident is just another face of the magnificent financial management that’s seen one of Ireland’s most successful clubs so consistently lose money throughout its history, one more club driving the urge to buy what tiny success this league can offer.
Finally, for those of you who are actually mad enough to want to read a real history of Dundalk, the place to start would be a copy of Jim Murphy’s ’The History of Dundalk F.C.’ which won the (Irish) Independent’s Book of the Year in 2003 (I think). Those interested can have a gander here.
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