Drogheda

History

Stig’s not entirely sure about any of the devil-worshipping mentioned in this article, since any record of it has to be read from the tea-leaves, but the rest of it’s probably mostly true.

Drogheda United was formed in nineteen seventy-five, when two other groups joined forces to attempt to rival their more racist Louth brethren, Dundalk, while simultaneously hiding from “De Revenue”. Any attempt to collect taxes owed by the one was met with doe-eyed claims of innocence, assurances that they had nothing to do with that particular group and a timely reminder that the address of the person in question was known to them.

The first group, Drogheda United, could trace its history back to the war of independence. Precisely what it was doing back then is something Stig has decided is probably healthier not to find out, after that incident in the bar in Drogheda with the shite republican music. We apologise for the mess we left, though not for our actions concerning the ‘band’. Whatever its origins, Drogheda United soon settled into a pattern of playing football. We’re not entirely sure where. Again, we don’t really want to find out. However, they joined the league in the 1963/64 season, finishing with half as many points as Dundalk. We forgive them though, as they did finish above bottom-placed Bohemians, who were still coming to terms with the abolishment of automatic wins if the crowd clocked an opposing player with a rock.

United continued to finish around third last for a number of years, except for the 1965/66 season, when they managed an embarrassing total of five points. The familiar League of Ireland practice of re-election then took place. Unlike today’s sadly dumbed down version (which goes something like this, Kilkenny, “Duh, can we play again next year?” FAI, “Sure, why not?”), back then the club chairman had to fight to the death with a young clone of William Shatner using oddly shaped weapons before being let back in anyway. On this occasion, Drogheda’s representative managed to disarm Shatner, but he countered with a punch to the stomach, winding him, followed by a two-handed blow to the back of the neck. The music played during the event is not recorded here. The familiar pattern of finishing near the bottom continued, with the club losing a number of chairmen to Shatner over the years.

The other party in the unholy union of 1975 was a club called Drogheda FC. In spite of their name, Drogheda FC weren’t a football club, but rather a shady organisation bent on taking over the world. For more details on their activities, Stig suggests you keep an eye on Dan Browne’s forthcoming publications.

Said union of ’75 was signed in the still-warm blood of a Dundalk native (he’d only just donated it to the blood bank) and burned as a sacrifice to the Great Satan, Paul Doolin. Unfortunately, this was to have legal ramifications later, containing, as it did, the deeds to Oriel Park.

Anyway, the sale of the club’s soul seems to have brought Drogheda temporary benefits, as they finished sixth, third and third in the following three seasons, the second of those results even going so far as to overtake Dundalk for a little while. The latter club come back to win the title again the following season, so clearly even voodoo had failed the Droghedans. In 1978/79, they even got bonus points from the FAI for a distinct improvement in their performance at the sheep-dog trials and because of their misfortune of not being good enough. It wasn’t good enough, Dundalk taking the title with 45 points, three ahead of third-placed Drogheda.

Coinciding with the arrival of UCD in the league in 1979, Drogheda’s fortunes took a dip. A few years of more losses than not were banished from the Droghedan history (and accounting) books by the convenient means of dropping the United from the name of that team. It’s rather hard to explain 1982/83, when Drogheda’s second place finish actually topped Dundalk’s again (by a single point). We suspect it may have been something to do with those weird symbols appearing in cow’s blood on the walls of United Park that season.

Whatever it was, it was swiftly neutralised after Dundalk left a bag of flaming dog faeces on the appropriate doorstep - bad karma and all that. Just two years afterwards, Drogheda crashed into the newly created First Division. From that point on, they played the role (made famous by Bray) of yo-yo club, relegated in 1989/90, 1993/94, 1995/96, 1997/98 and 1999/2000, not to mention a number of close shaves, where they stayed up by a mere point.

Of course, this just demonstrates that the club weren’t living up to their evil potential, and so it would continue until they were joined with their anti-Christ, UCD’s Grand High Judas, Paul Doolin on the first ever Judas Day, the 8th of September 2003, the anniversary of which is celebrated wildly in UCD each year. This first act was to lose eight hundred and thirty seven consecutive games, before calling in a favour, thus getting most of them disallowed. Since then, he’s continued to thieve players from UCD, drive ticket inflation at Drogheda and sacrifice virgins every full moon.

Drive Along in Drogheda!

Here’s another great STIGgy game for all to play. The picture (or composite of four pictures as it actually is, because it wouldn’t come close to fitting on one picture!) is an actual T-junction in Drogheda. Now, T-junctions are so called because they are in the shape of a T, so we have to assume that this is one of those Book of Kells Ts they’re talking about here! The game is simple – try and figure out how to turn left, right or go straight ahead from each of the three directions along which you can approach this junction. This is bound to keep you entertained for hours on end – maybe even until Monaghan win a game!