Athlone Town
AKA: De Town. Yes, the standards of literacy are indeed that low in Athlone - and most of the
rest of the country.
Where: St. Mel’s Park, in the middle of Nowhere, Nowhere. As you probably already know, Nowhere
is in the centre of Ireland.
Personalities: None, which is not unusual for that part of the country. Do, however, watch out
for idiots throwing rocks - they’re pretty good at it, which STIG puts down to lots of practice.
Remember kids, if you put you mind to it, you can achieve just about anything, except for making Paul
Doolin’s head explode. Believe us, we’ve tried. We even gave him Mark Rooney.
History
Athlone Town F.C. first entered League of Ireland football in 1922-23 when the league was extended
by six teams due to a grammatical error in the rulebook. Now, in those days, clubs weren’t two a
penny, you know, and they really had to scrape the bottom of the barrel. Athlone Town FC was in
fact a small cockfighting outfit that operated in a disused shed at the end of a rather marshy
field, the ownership of which was somewhat disputed. Conversion of said field to LoI standards was
somewhat tricky and was further complicated by the locals using the drainage ditches as public
conveniences. Fortunately, LoI standards at the time weren’t very high (some say that hasn’t
changed - STIG disagrees, it’s called the Eircom League now), so the inspectors eventually fudged
the whole issue and passed the ground as fit for use.
It later emerged that the inspectors had never actually visited the field, claiming, "fear of
muck-savages" as a valid reason not to leave the Pale. That this was the case can be excused by the
fact that Athlone was the first team in the LoI to come from outside Dublin (a fact their website informed
us with the following hilariously ungrammatical and misspelled sentence, "The Town was first
league member’s form outside the Capital." In fact, STIG heartily recommends the entire article on their
history as an amusing take on the use of the English language).
Unsurprisingly, given their lack of understanding of the rules of the game (some issues with the
ability to read the rulebook have yet to be resolved there), they could only pick up a single point in
their first four games, that at home to Shelbourne United when the only ball got stuck in a gorse bush
the club had neglected to remove from the middle of the pitch.
That season saw them finish sixth, as they realised that they could win a lot of home games if they
didn’t have a home goal to concede in. Complaints about that were met with a stern look and the
production of their certificate passing the ground as adequate, while complaints about their refusal to
switch sides at half time were met with a good beating.
More of the same followed in the next few seasons, though their shenanigans with the goals were
eventually halted by an unrecorded Act of God. That season, 1927/28, they embarrassingly lost 3-9 to
non-league Drumcondra, and were promptly banned from the league for the next forty years.
Forty-two years later (they’d lost count), Athlone successfully rejoined the league. That year, they
made the only useful contribution they’ve ever made to the LoI, whipping Shels 4-0 in the Leinster Cup
final. STIG has yet to research this, but suspects that said cup wasn’t held in high regard at the
time.
The time line between 1975 and 1982 appears to have been tampered with, with a middle-aged Christopher
Eccleston appearing in many photos of Athlone fans during that period. As such, the history of that time
appears somewhat bizarre and should not really be taken at face value.
It begins with a second place finish in the league, followed by a 4-2 aggregate defeat of Valerengen in
the UEFA Cup. AC Milan was next up, almost losing in St. Mel’s. John Minnock missed a penalty that would
have put Athlone a goal up and eyewitness accounts suggest that numerous Milanese shots were deflected by
a blue police box. In Milan, the situation continued as before until the sixty-third minute, when a
strange voice was heard to say, "We have normality. I repeat, we have normality. Anything you still can’t
cope with is therefore your own problem." Milan promptly scored three goals, one from Vincenzi, and a brace
from Benetti.
Athlone won the league title in 1980/81 and again in 1982/3. Their European performances were a little
more uneven now, with an away goals loss to KB Copenhagen and an 11-4 aggregate flagellation by Standard
Liege. UEFA promptly banned Athlone from European competition for the next forty years for the
embarrassment.
Turlough O’Connor escaped to Oriel Park, where he proved himself to be a somewhat passable manager.
Athlone didn’t recover for some time, sliding to relegation in 1986/87. The club’s history since then has
been classified in case anyone realises that it still exists.
